Work Trip

I am on my way to a 2 day meeting which is going to take me away from my family for 3 days and 2 nights. We got home last night, unpacked the car, fed the girls, and got them to bed. I was so tired that instead of packing for my trip I went to bed too. So in the middle of the night at that feeding I am trying to get together some of the items that I need to take. I ended up being late today because I left my packing to the last minute. I have been dreading this meeting since I found out about it. I know that in my life I am going to have many times where I need to leave my family to go to different things, but leaving behind my two infant daughters was so hard. I left them with one sleeping in the crib all warm and calm, and the other one having kangaroo care with Da. I so wanted to crawl back in bed and snuggle too. Plus I just can’t stand knowing that I will not be able to hold them or snuggle them, or be there to soothe them when they are crying. Plus I hate leaving Ben to handle all of it by himself all night and day.
Then there is the matter of pumping. These meetings are rough, and we hardly get breaks, have lunch brought in and work through lunch, so I am going to have to walk out of this meeting every three hours to pump for 20 minutes, and then have to store the bottles or bags in a fridge probably at the office; which is uncomfortable. I had to pump in a car on my way here because it is a 4 hour drive with my Boss in the front seat, and a fellow store manager in the other front seat. That was uncomfortable too.
I suppose I just have to keep saying that having a good job is worth all of this in these trying times. I have so many blessings. I need to keep reminding myself of all of this when I want to tear up thinking about how much I miss my family and how hard it is to find a way to pump.

breast feeding

I have a group of Twin Mommies on Facebook that I chat back and forth with, and follow the development of their twins as well as ask questions, answer questions, give my two cents, ask for others two cents and wait anxiously for pictures of all the babies. This group has mommies from all over the world, in all walks of life, all nationalities and all ages, with all sorts of family dynamics.
They have made me laugh and made me cry. They have made me try new things, and given me encouragement when I needed it most. I am in a new town with a new husband and two new infants, I have been overwhelmed. I have my family, and I love them and use them often with questions, but unfortunately none of them have twins and none of them have had preemie’s with NICU stays. And I have to say that it really is different. There are the normal first time mommie concerns as well as so many other issues. I never thought that I would come home from the hospital and have to be taking my infants temp every diaper change to make sure she was keeping her temp up, and find out that she wasn’t, and worry about that. I never thought I would have to pump and add fortifier to my breastmilk instead of actually breastfeeding. I never thought I would have twins.
Onto the topic of breastfeeding. This is a common topic on the twin mommie page. Breastfeeding was a non issue for me all along as I knew I would breastfeed my kids. Then I found out I was going to have twins, I guess I still never thought about it. I just figured that my body would be able to provide. Then I began having issues with my body even keeping the girls in, and then my body gave up, and I had to go in and have an emergency c-section. After this experience, I was worried. My body failed these little girls once, would it fail them again? I gave birth in a hospital that once you have told them you plan on breastfeeding your baby they are very willing to help in any way possible.
Unfortunately, I had another obstacle to breastfeeding. I was not allowed to nurse my girls for more than a few minutes because they were so tiny. They would wear out too fast, and then not eat enough, so they would not make it. So my girls were given formula and whatever small amount of breast milk I could come up with. So I sat in my hospital room alone with a rented pump pumping my life away so anxious to give my girls any little bit I could. Because the girls were early, and because I had a c-section, it took about 5 days for my milk to come in. I was so excited the day that I graduated from being able to fill a 5 ml syringe to filling a 10 ml syringe, and the day I had to store the milk in the fridge in an actual bottle I had to do a small happy dance with the only supporters there being the nurses!
This next part is hard for me to put in my blog because I have so much support from my family, and I would never want them to feel like they did not do enough. Each of them has been super supportive, but the time I spent in the hospital during my girls birth, and after while they were in the NICU, and the Pediatric ward, I was alone. Even Ben could not be there for me much of them time because of our Dog, and other responsibilities that he had. And I would have never made him feel guilty over not being able to be by my side all day and night. But I needed him, and I needed my family. I was alone and struggling with so many things.
I wanted to breastfeed my girls, and that desire was dashed away by the fact that my body could not take twins to term. So I was stuck pumping, and watching my girls thrash around naked under warming lights and in isolates. It was the hardest time of my life, and I was alone most of it. It was so much worse before I was able to be in the same room with my girls, because I was in a hospital room with my girls in the NICU and pumping and only coming up with a small syringe of colostrum. I was devastated. I walked slowly due to the c-section from my room to the NICU every 3 hours to be able to feed my girls anyway I could it took me over 10 minutes to walk the distance and it was hard. They still had me nurse them for just a few minutes at a time to have them learn how to latch. One of the girls had a pretty good latch, and the other one I could not get to do it right. I had a lactation consultant come and help me probably 3 times while I was at the hospital. They would tell me that I needed to nurse exclusively, and the doctors were telling me that I could not because I needed to be adding fortifier to my breast milk to be able to help the girls grow. I was torn.
Then back to the twin mommies board. They were so many of these ladies who were in the same boat as me. They gave me strength. I have to say that I would probably not have made it to where I am today without them. I really wouldn’t. I could see that it could be done because some of them were doing it, and by George I was going to do it to.
When my Mom and Dad came to help me the breastfeeding thing was the hardest part for me. Mostly because my mom would feed one girl, and my husband would feed the other while I was in the back room pumping. I got more quality time with my pump that I did with my babies. I was finally making enough milk for them, and that was exciting for me. I was even making a bit more that I could freeze. But the interaction with my babies was almost none those first four weeks of their life. I could not hold them in the hospital because of their temperature issue, and when I brought them home, I was stuck pumping. I still tried to nurse occasionally, but it hurt so badly that I wanted to just give up and continue to pump exclusively since I had to pump anyway to be able to give them that extra calorie fortifier.
And then my mom was talking to my grandma who just could not understand why I was not just nursing the girls. She could not understand why I was pumping and bottle feeding the girls. Which was sad to me too. I did not want to have to pump when I was at home with the ability to nurse. I knew I was going to have to go back to work, and the ability to be with my girls all day and all night would be gone forever. And I was stuck with a hunk of plastic.
Then about two weeks before I would have to go back to work, I came to the conclusion that I was not going to be able to keep my current night schedule. I was feeding the girls with my husband, and then pumping, so the actual feeding took almost 2 hours, and it happened 3 times a night. So I was getting about 3 hours of sleep at night in 45 minute intervals. I decided that I better figure out how to get the girls to actually breastfeed, and I was going to go against my doctors orders and nurse them at night. I figured that they were going to still be given fortifier during the day, so they still should be fine.
So I started to nurse one baby for a feeding while Ben was feeding the other one to get them used to nursing again since it has been probably 2 weeks since they had really nursed any. To my surprise one of the girls latched on perfectly and was a super nurser. The other one still had issues that I had to overcome, and I was so incredibly sore for so many days trying to get them to both figure it out. Then I figured I needed to figure out how to nurse them at the same time to save even more time at night. So I started practicing this. The first few times I did it it was a disaster. Then one night it worked! I had to get on facebook and let my twin mommy friends know that I had done it! So Ben and I continued to do this, and I continued to get more and more sore. I finally went and saw the lactation consultant again and asked her to help me figure out the football hold so that I could nurse without so much pain. She did, and now here I am with 13 week old twins who I nurse at the same time whenever I am home, and Ben feeds them the milk I pump during the time I am at work. The hardest part is finding the time to pump at work. It is so hard to take the time, and then just all the things that you have to haul to work and back every day. It is hard, but I am committed to giving my girls all the benefits of my breast milk that I can.
I still have tender feelings when it comes to this I guess, because I still worry that they may not grow as well because I have now stopped giving them any fortifier. They have been getting 100% pure no additives breast milk for two weeks now. I can’t wait until my next appointment where they will tell me if my girls have gained an appropriate amount of weight. I hope they have. I hope what I can provide for them this time will be enough.
Today as I was traveling and had to change the girls diapers in a Flying J truck stop, there was a woman in the bathroom waiting in line, and looked at Emily, my bigger twin and say oh she is cute, how old is she? I told her 13 weeks, and she said “oh she is really small.” I responded yes, she is. She was born very small. My feelings were hurt. Dang it. Why? I have done everything I know how to do to help my little girls thrive. Why do I still feel inadequate? I pump all day, I nurse all night. And dang it I am good enough.
Back to the twin mommies. There are so many of them that have chosen all different routes and have proven that no matter what, (and I believe this too) good mommies don’t worry about how they feed their babies. They worry that they are getting fed, and loved. Breast milk is best in my book, but if you love your babies love them, and if breastfeeding is not the way that you end up feeding your children they are still going to be fine!
So no matter how this ends up, I will try harder to be proud for all I have accomplished, and work towards my goal of getting my daughters breast milk one way or another for 9 months. If I can go a year I will, but 9 months is my ultimate goal. I have almost made it 3. And I am proud. Even if I still have tender feelings!

pics

Learned how to use a sleepy wrap at Mom and Dads. I even learned how to use it for both babies! I will have to post that pic when I can get it! It is on Bens phone. This was Ben soothing a baby! Looks to me like more than Ana got soothed!

Me, Emily, Grandma Dayley, Ana


Putting on Dads flower for the Open house while he held Ana.

Cousins Emily, Ana, Orin and Avery (Finally got a photo without the paci's!)

Orin wasnt sure about the twins :)

Picture with the Bride and Groom


Family Photo yes even with the paci's
4 generation photo. Viola Ricks, Mabel Dayley, Me, Emily, Ana

Wedding Visit

This past week Ben the girls and I went to my parent’s house to attend my brother James’ openhouse and meet his new bride. We have not traveled with the girls anywhere yet, and we were nervous about what to expect. So we tried to plan as best as possible and be prepared for just about anything. We wanted to leave Tuesday night and get on the road as soon as the girls finished eating so that they would hopefully sleep their long stretch and we would not have to feed them again until we hit the hotel in Ontario. We planned to stop about halfway and stay the night so we would not have to drive the whole way in one day.
We figured we would be on the road about 7ish, and ended up on the road about 9ish instead so we knew we were not going to make it to Ontario before the girls were going to need to be fed again. They were really good until they got hungry, then we had to figure out how to feed them on the road. We tried the illegal thing and just took one out of the carseat and I nursed her while Ben still drove. This did not last very long. It was hard to do, and Ben and I really were not comfortable driving at night with me unbuckled and a baby on my lap. So we pulled over and parked in a closed gas stations parking lot. IT happened to be in a part of the town we were in that was perhaps not the best part of town. There were scary looking people milling around (at 1am) so Ben locked the doors and was pretty cautious! We finally made it through that and were pretty grumpy at this point since I had worked a 12 hour day before heading out, and Ben had delt with two grumpy babies all day. We had both been up since early morning and had not had any sleep. We finally roll into Ontario and to our Hotel about 3am. Ben went to check us in, and the guy told him that they had the crib and everyting in the room, but that it was not a pet friendly room. Ben told him that we reserved a pet friendly room, and what were we supposed to do? The guy was pretty lame and told him that he just needed to sneak Butch in, and to be careful since there were cameras everywhere and that there was a 100 dollar pet sneaking fee.
So then Ben was all paranoid all night that we were going to get caught with Butch. So not only did we have to worry about getting the girls in with all of our stuff, we had to worry about sneaking out dog and all of his stuff in, then worry about him barking at doors opening and closing. The girls had not been eating what they normally ate the last two feeding because of the stress I am sure, so by the time it got to the next feeding at the hotel I was engourged and in pain. Ana was the first girl to wake up, so I got her up to feed her. We had already taken her out of her onesie earlier because she had spit up all over it, and had just put her in her pj’s. While I was feeding her apperantly I leaked all over her on the side she was not nursing on because I was so full. Problem here was I did not have anymore clothes for her except the ones buried in the bottom of the trunk. So she had to go back to sleep encrusted with milk. Needless to say it was a rough night. We got back on the road at 11ish the next day although we were trying to get out of there before 10.
We made it to Mountain Home, and decided that we needed to stop to get something to eat because we really had not had anything to eat since we left the Tricities the night before. So we stopped at Subway, and then parked in the shade at a Hampton Inn while Ben ate, and I started to feed the girls. After the girls were all fed, we decided that we should change them again even though it had not been to long since we had. That is when Emily decided that she needed to have a blowout! So in the parking lot of the Hampton Inn on the trunk of our car we dealt with a diaper of epic proportions. We went through about 30 wipes, two diapers, and a onesie. But got her cleaned up, and then went through a few more wipes to clean me up since you never can get away with not getting it on you too!
So then Ben got to change Ana’s diaper which was also a bit messy. Now to let you know why I tell you all this, our girls are babies that only have messy diapers every 3 or 4 days, so the fact that it happened when it did was so uncool!
I then was able to eat my lunch, and we got back on the road almost an hour and a half later! We finally made it to Mom and Dad’s and told them that before any girls could get held my Granparents they had to have a bath. Ana was covered in sour milk, and Emily was stinky from her blowout even though she really was pretty cleaned up. Plus they both had been spitting up all night, so they both were sour.
So we hauled them in and put them right in the bath. Got them dressed and in the arms of Grandma.
They were pretty grumpy the rest of the night, but we made it through, and onto the next day.
I had bought some sleepywraps and had them sent to Mom and Dad’s house so that if we needed extra soothing that we would have those even though I had not ever used them before. I tried these out while there, and the girls loved them. They were actually a life saver quite a few times since the girls were so out of sorts the extra comfort they got was good.
Then came the evening of the wedding. I had such great plans to get my hair all done up nice, and look good for once in many months…this is when the girls decided to have a MAJOR breakdown. Both of them at the same time screaming their fool heads off, and nothing was working. Plus we had to get ready. So Ben tried to get into his suit as fast as he could while I tried to sooth both babies and get one of them dressed in their dresses for the wedding which they seemed to hate! I got one dressed and gave her to Ben to hold and try to sooth pretty much to no avail. While I dressed the other one and tried to get dressed myself. I finally had to just pull my hair back and put on minimal make up just to get out the door. We finally got everyone ready for the open house, and got out to the car to realize that everyone had left us, and we did not know where to go…
At this point I was so frustrated that I was just ready to give up and not go! While Ben tried to call one of the brothers to ask him where we needed to go I remembered that Mom and Dad had an invite still on their fridge, so I ran got it punched the address into our GPS and off we went. We got there just in time to get our pics taken with pacifiers and all. I really was hoping to have some good pictures without the pacifiers, but the girls screamed the minute you took them out. Oh well.
The open house was very nice. Mom had done a fantastic job getting the room decorated, and it was good to see James so happy. I am looking forward to getting to know RaTray better. I will have to post a few of the pics. I was really thrilled to be able to get a 4 generation picture with my Grandma and my mom with the girls, I have really wanted to do that and it was good to be able to do it with everyone all gussied up. The refreshments looked very tasty, even though one was a chocolate fountain, and with nursing the girls, I stayed away from the chocolate. However, all the other little cousins were super excited about cheesecake, chocolate covered things and punch! To the point where one of them threw up and another one slipped and landed in it. Those two got to go home early… The joys of children!!
Our girls started to get really fussy near the end of the night, and I went to feed them. I only ended up feeding one, and then the other one got fussy, but I could not feed her, because my sister had gone into the “nursing room” to feed her little girl. So I had Ben start to warm up a bottle for her. We finally got both of them fed, and they were still pretty much done with the night. They were cranky. We were able to see so many people that I grew up with their children at the open house it was a constant night of showing off the babies and they had had enough. So we finally took them home and tried to settle them down and get them to bed. Emily had had it and was screaming her fool head off once again. We finally got them both settled down and to sleep. They were not really sleeping that well and so eventually after the middle of the night feeding they ended up cuddled with us in our bed and they finally slept. However Ben and I did not sleep so well with babies all over us, but it was worth it to have them be able to sleep.
The next day we slept in until about 10 and then got up. Most of the family had left to drive to Colorado to go to James actual wedding (I was bummed to not go, but could not see driving another 13 hours one way.) My sister and her family stayed as well, so we had a great time spending some time with her and her new little girl. She was born 5 days before our girls, and it was pretty crazy that they had the same cry, and made the same noises. The whole time we kept having to figure out whose baby was fussing. We grilled up some steaks and had those on Friday night with everyone and then My sisters daughter made some german pancakes for breakfast, and we mostly just had a couple of relaxing days (as relaxing as possible with a few cranky babies!)
On Saturday Ben and I went to see Grandma and have her see the girls. She was so excited to see them, and we were excited to show them off to their great grandma. I have looked forward to that meeting since I found out I was having twins. I had Ben take some pictures. It was a great moment for me to see my two little girls with her. She is 97 years old and I feel so blessed that she has lived such a good long life, and was able to meet my girls, and that they will have pictures of them with her. I hope she will be able to see them grow up, but know that may not be the case. She is a fantastic grandma and I will tell them stories of her and how she pampered us girls growing up!
After we finished visiting with Grandma we went and started packing up to leave. We wanted to hit the hotel before 3am this time! We finally got out of there about 7ish and headed to Ontario. We actually hit Ontario about 1am. We had some of the same issues. Poor Ana got sick and threw up all over herself, so we had to change her out of her clothes into her pj’s while nursing behind a Wendy’s.
The girls did not do much better in the crib they provided for us. It was very small, and hardly fit both girls. About 6 this morning we finally broke down and pulled them into bed with us again. We did not want to do that this morning because the bed had some sort of fluffy cover that you sunk into, and a feather duvet. Lots of places for them to suffocate. But we were very cautious and they went right to sleep. Ana wanted to snuggle closer to me, and kept face planting in the duvet and I finally put my arm between her and the cover so that she could snuggle but not face plant into softness. It was awfully uncomfortable for me, but it was worth it to see her finally sleep hard. We all finally got some real sleep and slept in until about 11. I got up and started feeding babies while Ben started packing up the car again. We got checked out about 12, and then went and ate breakfast at a sit down restaurant. The girls fell asleep in their car seats and it was a great morning. We are now driving home and planning on stopping every three hours since little Ana has decided to start a growth spurt.
So that is our first long trip with infant twin girls. We are tired, they are tired, but it was worth it to be able to meet Ratray and spend time with the family.