I did not understand

In the last year my life has changed dramatically. I used to be consumed with being a wife and working full time. I got married in July last year, and then in November found out I was pregnant. We went in to our first prenatal visit and since I was not sure how far along I was, they scheduled an early ultrasound. We went in for our ultrasound, and found out I was just past 5 weeks along, and that I was pregnant with TWINS. This was a shock to all involved, and I could not believe that I was going to be a mommy of twins. My pregnancy was pretty run of the mill up until I was about 28 weeks along. This is when I really started to feel the terribleness of having two babies in a place where really only one should be. Then the problems started. At first my cervix was short, so my doc told me to start to take it easier, perhaps start cutting my work days in half. So I did, then they did an ultrasound, and the babies were smaller than they should be. So they set me up with an appointment with a specialist. We went to this appointment and found out that the babies were small, but that they were still in the 25thish percentile, so they were not too worried. However, while doing this ultrasound they found out that my cervix had shortened to half of what it was, and at that point, they put me on bedrest. I do not know how many have been on bedrest, but it really is not cool. It is horrible not being able to do anything. Honestly at this point there was so much I really could not do anyway. Many would tell me that I looked great, and they could not even tell that I was pregnant with twins, but regardless of how I looked, I FELT pregnant with twins. At my 35 week appointment, they found protein in my urine, and I had elevated blood pressure, so the doc I saw which was not my normal OB told me to take some tests, and go to the hospital on Saturday to do a Non Stress Test. So I showed up, lo and behold that evening due to intrauterine growth restriction due to preeclampsia they scheduled an emergency c-section. This is all in my birth story,
Now everything really has changed. Everyone told us that it would, but you do not really understand until you are there. My life is now consumed with love, tons of poopy/wet diapers, breastfeeding twins at the same time at night, pumping during the day along with bottle feeding them, and thoroughly enjoying the feeling of not being pregnant with twins anymore.
So many people told me it would be crazy. And it is.
I was told about sleepless nights. Indeed they are.
I have heard I will have my hands full. Yep, one baby for each hand. My hands and my heart are overfull.
I was told my life would never be the same, because it would never again be just about me. But that it would not matter, because it would be worth it. This was something I really did struggle to believe. This is because I am one of those people who really did not care to be around other people’s kids/infants. My whole life I have been nervous about having my own kids because I have never been one who connected with kids; especially babies. I always hoped that it would be different when they were my own.
Then I was blessed with the gift of these little angels, and the power to love beyond anything I could have imagined. I am holding on tightly to these moments. I love these little ones. Their cries, their little breaths against my skin, their personalities. My heart is full of gratitude.
I may no longer have time to shower everyday and I can't remember if I had time to brush my teeth today.
I do know one thing, however, I got to snuggle two beautiful newborns all day...and then again all night.
I go back to work on Monday, and I hope that I can somehow figure out how to have a work/life balance. I will miss my girls more than anything. I already know this. I have not felt it yet, so I do not know how deeply it will affect me,
I know it will affect me though, because I have never wanted to be somewhere so badly as I do now. I want to be by these little girls sides watching them grow, and experience life. I want to see their first little laughs, their first grin, the first time they roll over during tummy time; I want to see all their firsts and seconds and thirds. And when I go back to work fulltime I am going to miss so many of these things.
Ben is going to be staying home with the girls for a while, and I know that he would rather be out providing for the family, and have a good stable job, but I am so jealous of him. Jealous that he is going to be able to see the girls all day every day, and he will be the one to witness the firsts in their lives, and I will be at work dealing with things and people who don’t really matter while missing out on the milestones of the two little girls that I love more than I can stand.