Halloween

We were invited to a friends house for Halloween this year. I had to work until about 5, but ended up working until about 7ish. Then I ran home as fast as possible got the girls fed, changed into their Halloween outfits, in the car, drove 20 miles to the place, and then the girls got passed around like crazy. We thought that it was just a smaller get together a few couples. Turned out it was a major get together and there were probably 8 couples there and their kids. It was a mess! Then the girls were over tired and started to cry, and were not having any of it. So we only ended up staying for a few hours, then left. Needless to say, we did not get any pictures of the girls on Halloween due to the circumstances.
So we had to wash their outfits and then dress them up again to make sure we documented how darling they were!!!
So here are a few after Halloween pictures!

Girls Baptism

While most of Bens family was together we decided to go ahead and get the girls baptized while we were down there. We wanted the pastor who married us to baptize the girls, and we were so glad we were able to do it.


It was so hot in the church that day, and the dressed the girls wore were quite heavy. We also had had a full day and they had missed thier nap so they were both really grumpy. Emily cried the whole service, and Ana cried in the beginning.

All in all it was a very nice service, and it was so good to have family and good friends there with us.

The weekend in Texas

While we were in Texas we stayed the weekend with my best friend down there Laura, she has a 10 month old little girl, and it was so great to see them, and hang out with her and her family. Andrea also came to visit quite a bit over the weekend, and it was so great to have girls nights! Here are some pictures of me and the girls, my best friend, her daughter and my girls godmother. I had a wonderful time.

Trip to Texas

We got some bad news week before last that Bens Grandmother had passed away. This has been pretty hard on him, and me as he was close to his Grandma, and I had become close since we started dating. I enjoyed my time everytime we visited them.


When Bens dad called and told Ben the sad news the only thing I could think of was that she was looking forward to meeting my two girls, her first great grandchildren, and we had not made it down there yet for her to do so. Also, she had asked for some pictures of them, and we had put together a book of pictures for her, got them in, and the book was so poorly done that we returned it. We had gotten another one put together and just had not gotten it ordered and sent yet. All things that I feel terrible about. I never had any great grandparents, and I was looking forward to my girls having great grandparents to dote on them, and love them. I love Bens Grandparents morals, and his grandmother would have had such a good time with these two little girls. I wish that she could have had the chance to meet them.

I was thrilled that I got home and had them meet my grandmother, and I was not even worried about not making it down to TX for his to meet them. We were planning on next spring.

So many regrets when you dont expect someone to pass.

We had a very good time down in Texas with family. We wish we were there for a different reason, but it was good to see family none the less.

End of October

Wow has time flown by. It seems like I have not had a day to just sit and get online for a whole month, then I looked at the last time I blogged, and it pretty much was the last time I was online...even to pay my bills. I have been working so many hours lately, and I come home and want to spend every minute with the girls that I can, and so by the time we get them to sleep I am usually ready to sleep too. So this is the first time I have been able to do something other than sleep and work and rock babies.
The girls are doing so well, they are getting such little personalities, and cooing and talking all the time. We have gotten them on a schedule now thanks to Ben's hard work, and when we are able to abide by this they are mostly good little happy babies. I have decided that I LOVE this age. The smiling and cooing and talking.

Ben and I have also been so thrilled about a program they have here in Kennewick. It is called "Ready for Kindergarten". It is a local program where they have a 3 hour class once a quarter and they give you a few educational toys and some books and teach you about reading to your children and how to teach them starting when they are just babies. So Ben and I have been playing with them teaching them things with the toys, and reading to them. They love being read to, and it is so fun to see them really pay attention to the book, and look at the pictures. Ana loves story time, and Emily likes it for a few minutes and then gets kind of bored.
Ben's mom has been sending us books from the "little golden books" series and we have been reading many of those. Plus we have a subscription to a book club that sends lots of Dr. Seuss books which are so fun to read, and they have great pictures for the girls to look at.
I cant wait to get home from work to be with the girls and I wait impatiently all week for my days off to be able to see these little ones grow and develop.
We are looking for a part time"nanny" for a few days a week to help out, and help Ben keep his sanity. I have asked one of my cousins and we will see if she is able. If not, we will keep looking.
There are a lot of ladies at the church who love to come help Ben out during the days and have a great time.

Poor little Butch gets very little love nowadays, he gets whipped by burp clothes a lot, and yelled at. Poor little guy.

Ben and I got to go out last night and spend some time with some people our age, without the kiddos (well kindof) We went to a church event where they had daycare, so I was in the next building over, and got called out a few times to go feed the girls. It was a masquerade ball, and a murder mystery. It was tons of fun.

I know that this is a little disjointed, but I wanted to put lots of goings on in here, and I don't have a lot of time.

Daddy Day Care

I need to write a post about Ben. He has really struggled with the new task of his; to be a stay at home dad. He is an awesome dad, but feels the pull as the father to be the provider, and it is hard for him to “sit around” all day and do nothing to provide for the family while I go out and work all day.
He grew up in a family, and in an area where the man was the man, and went to work and provided for the family. So he has had to shift his paradigm to figure out how to handle the change in his life. He never intended to be a stay at home dad, and still struggles with the day to day things. I have told him that I am so grateful that he is able to be at home with the girls because I would rather not put them in daycare. I am so thankful that my little girls are learning and developing from their daddy instead of a stranger. I am blessed to have married a man who would actually do it. I love him so much more for it. Yes he gets frustrated and irritated with the girls, but he has to take care of two infants…at the same time…with never intending to do this with even one. I am proud of him, and have so much respect for him for stepping up and being a man! A man who loves his daughters enough to put the status quo aside and do what is best for them.

A day in the life

So we are driving back from Portland when I start to get a pretty bad sore throat. I think to myself “great now I am getting sick and I will give it to my family” But I get home and find out I do not have to worry about that, everyone is already sick. We all got sick at the same time. So I get home from an exhausting trip to an exhausted husband who is not feeling well, and two sick little girls. It was a rough night! I should have had the next day off, but due to some items that the boss came out with at the meeting, I was going to need to go to work. I figured I could go in early stay for about 4 hours and then get out of there and come home so that Ben could get some things done that he had been waiting on me to come back for. So as I am getting ready to go to work, I call the doctor at 7:30am to see if there was a time we could bring the girls in to see him. They could fit us in right at 8:30, but could not see us at any other time. So I go wake Ben up and let him know that the doctor can see the girls soon, and if he wanted to shower and get ready he would need to get up right then. He was pretty bummed about that since it was the first time since I had gotten back the day before the girls had actually gotten to sleep at the same time and he could sleep.
While he was showering I got the girls up and dressed and ready to go so that once he was ready we could just go. We got to the doctor and pretty much he said what I thought he would say, and that is they have a cold. Gave us some idea of what to expect and then sent us on our way. We stop by Walgreens on our way home because our humidifier had died on us this past winter, and we needed a new one.
Once we get home, I feed the girls, and then pretty much leave to go to work. As I park and am just getting out of the car, my phone calendar goes off stating that I have a dentist appointment at 11. It was 10:50. Dang it! So back into the car I go and off to the dentist. I text my boss again letting her know that the girls were done with their appointment, but I had forgotten I had a dentist appt, so I was headed there, and once done with that I would make it to work.
At the dentist I find out that I have a cavity underneath one of my caps, and they are going to have to remove the cap, fix the cavity, and then recap the tooth to the tune of probably 2 grand. Awesome! Plus I think it is a cap that I had done in the past 5 years. Hence if it is I will have to pay all of it since insurance does not pay for a cap to be replaced before 5 years. More awesome!
Get done with that and back to work I go. I get to work, and start doing the stuff that I had to get done and turned in by that day. I get it done, and during all this get interrupted a bizzillon times. But the boss wanted to see it and sign off on it before I submit it, so I go into her and she gets the first section looked at and we get interrupted… this takes about a half hour to resolve…this happens 4 more times. I finally have to stop what I am doing and text Ben let him know I am not going to make it home to feed the girls, and go into my office and pump. Thank goodness I had my pump stuff with me.
It turns out with all the interruptions, and things that I get pulled into, I do not end up leaving until it is time to feed the girls again. I am rushing home pretty sure that one of them is going to be waking up any moment and screaming at the top of their lungs for me to feed them before I can get home. Sure enough I text Ben to let him know I am on my way and one is already crying. This makes me so mad when I go to work and can’t get out of there on time to be able to get home and feed my girls.
Once again we have a terrible night. I got very little sleep, and I am not sure Ben got any. I close the next day, so do not have to go in until afternoon. So Ben and I pull the girls into bed with us about 7am, just to be able to get a little sleep. It does not turn out to well, because of their poor little stuffed up noses and not being able to breathe. But we do end up getting a bit of sleep. I go to work and I am so tired I can hardly stand it. But alas, I have a job to do! I show up just in time to see one of my managers come out of my office and let me know that he is using my office to do an investigation into an associate who was stealing from us. Great…first order of business fire an associate for theft. So I get all the facts, write up the termination and do that. Then the Salon which no longer has a manager is a wreck and all the associates keep coming up and having drama and issues which they feel I have to be involved in. I get nothing done I am supposed to and it gets to be 6pm…time for me to be out on the floor. So I get out on the floor and see that we are doing pretty well. We close an hour later than normal, so the supervisors do an awesome job of getting everyone motivated to get the store clean so we don’t leave very much for the morning crew to do.
We get most of it done, and get out of there about 11:30p. I get home once again to sick babies and an exhausted spouse ready to turn it all over to me, who is also exhausted! We make it through another rough night, and today I had the day off. So I was able to help Ben a bit, and we got a little sleep again this morning. But my girl I had charge of this morning had other plans than to sleep so I was up pretty early and figured I might as well get started on the chores that had been neglected for two weeks due to all the travel! I worked on the dishes (which Ben had actually mostly gotten done the day before) and got laundry started. Tried to clean what I could with a baby in my arms.
Tried out a sling to hold Ana while I worked that I had gotten for free, and could not figure out how it worked so gave up on that idea. Finally got her back to sleep and put her down, and hurried fast to get some things done that I needed both hands for.
Then the other one woke up, and decided that it was time to eat! So fed the girls and this time they were tired and went right back to sleep! Hallelujah! So Ben went out and did the yard work while I wrote thank you cards and kept the laundry going.
This just keeps repeating all day! We had the cable guy come and fix our cable box, and the internet guy come and fix our internet yesterday and today so hopefully that will work better now!
I gave the girls baths while Ben was at the barber getting a haircut, and they were not happy about that! They normally love bath time, but this time I just think they are still really grumpy because they feel yucky still. Having them be sick just makes everything a little bit harder!
So here I am at 11pm writing this post because I know that they are going to wake up the minute I lay down if I do so and want to eat, so I will just stay up until they wake up to eat, and save myself the frustration of just getting to sleep to be woken up. I am so very tired!

Work Trip

I am on my way to a 2 day meeting which is going to take me away from my family for 3 days and 2 nights. We got home last night, unpacked the car, fed the girls, and got them to bed. I was so tired that instead of packing for my trip I went to bed too. So in the middle of the night at that feeding I am trying to get together some of the items that I need to take. I ended up being late today because I left my packing to the last minute. I have been dreading this meeting since I found out about it. I know that in my life I am going to have many times where I need to leave my family to go to different things, but leaving behind my two infant daughters was so hard. I left them with one sleeping in the crib all warm and calm, and the other one having kangaroo care with Da. I so wanted to crawl back in bed and snuggle too. Plus I just can’t stand knowing that I will not be able to hold them or snuggle them, or be there to soothe them when they are crying. Plus I hate leaving Ben to handle all of it by himself all night and day.
Then there is the matter of pumping. These meetings are rough, and we hardly get breaks, have lunch brought in and work through lunch, so I am going to have to walk out of this meeting every three hours to pump for 20 minutes, and then have to store the bottles or bags in a fridge probably at the office; which is uncomfortable. I had to pump in a car on my way here because it is a 4 hour drive with my Boss in the front seat, and a fellow store manager in the other front seat. That was uncomfortable too.
I suppose I just have to keep saying that having a good job is worth all of this in these trying times. I have so many blessings. I need to keep reminding myself of all of this when I want to tear up thinking about how much I miss my family and how hard it is to find a way to pump.

breast feeding

I have a group of Twin Mommies on Facebook that I chat back and forth with, and follow the development of their twins as well as ask questions, answer questions, give my two cents, ask for others two cents and wait anxiously for pictures of all the babies. This group has mommies from all over the world, in all walks of life, all nationalities and all ages, with all sorts of family dynamics.
They have made me laugh and made me cry. They have made me try new things, and given me encouragement when I needed it most. I am in a new town with a new husband and two new infants, I have been overwhelmed. I have my family, and I love them and use them often with questions, but unfortunately none of them have twins and none of them have had preemie’s with NICU stays. And I have to say that it really is different. There are the normal first time mommie concerns as well as so many other issues. I never thought that I would come home from the hospital and have to be taking my infants temp every diaper change to make sure she was keeping her temp up, and find out that she wasn’t, and worry about that. I never thought I would have to pump and add fortifier to my breastmilk instead of actually breastfeeding. I never thought I would have twins.
Onto the topic of breastfeeding. This is a common topic on the twin mommie page. Breastfeeding was a non issue for me all along as I knew I would breastfeed my kids. Then I found out I was going to have twins, I guess I still never thought about it. I just figured that my body would be able to provide. Then I began having issues with my body even keeping the girls in, and then my body gave up, and I had to go in and have an emergency c-section. After this experience, I was worried. My body failed these little girls once, would it fail them again? I gave birth in a hospital that once you have told them you plan on breastfeeding your baby they are very willing to help in any way possible.
Unfortunately, I had another obstacle to breastfeeding. I was not allowed to nurse my girls for more than a few minutes because they were so tiny. They would wear out too fast, and then not eat enough, so they would not make it. So my girls were given formula and whatever small amount of breast milk I could come up with. So I sat in my hospital room alone with a rented pump pumping my life away so anxious to give my girls any little bit I could. Because the girls were early, and because I had a c-section, it took about 5 days for my milk to come in. I was so excited the day that I graduated from being able to fill a 5 ml syringe to filling a 10 ml syringe, and the day I had to store the milk in the fridge in an actual bottle I had to do a small happy dance with the only supporters there being the nurses!
This next part is hard for me to put in my blog because I have so much support from my family, and I would never want them to feel like they did not do enough. Each of them has been super supportive, but the time I spent in the hospital during my girls birth, and after while they were in the NICU, and the Pediatric ward, I was alone. Even Ben could not be there for me much of them time because of our Dog, and other responsibilities that he had. And I would have never made him feel guilty over not being able to be by my side all day and night. But I needed him, and I needed my family. I was alone and struggling with so many things.
I wanted to breastfeed my girls, and that desire was dashed away by the fact that my body could not take twins to term. So I was stuck pumping, and watching my girls thrash around naked under warming lights and in isolates. It was the hardest time of my life, and I was alone most of it. It was so much worse before I was able to be in the same room with my girls, because I was in a hospital room with my girls in the NICU and pumping and only coming up with a small syringe of colostrum. I was devastated. I walked slowly due to the c-section from my room to the NICU every 3 hours to be able to feed my girls anyway I could it took me over 10 minutes to walk the distance and it was hard. They still had me nurse them for just a few minutes at a time to have them learn how to latch. One of the girls had a pretty good latch, and the other one I could not get to do it right. I had a lactation consultant come and help me probably 3 times while I was at the hospital. They would tell me that I needed to nurse exclusively, and the doctors were telling me that I could not because I needed to be adding fortifier to my breast milk to be able to help the girls grow. I was torn.
Then back to the twin mommies board. They were so many of these ladies who were in the same boat as me. They gave me strength. I have to say that I would probably not have made it to where I am today without them. I really wouldn’t. I could see that it could be done because some of them were doing it, and by George I was going to do it to.
When my Mom and Dad came to help me the breastfeeding thing was the hardest part for me. Mostly because my mom would feed one girl, and my husband would feed the other while I was in the back room pumping. I got more quality time with my pump that I did with my babies. I was finally making enough milk for them, and that was exciting for me. I was even making a bit more that I could freeze. But the interaction with my babies was almost none those first four weeks of their life. I could not hold them in the hospital because of their temperature issue, and when I brought them home, I was stuck pumping. I still tried to nurse occasionally, but it hurt so badly that I wanted to just give up and continue to pump exclusively since I had to pump anyway to be able to give them that extra calorie fortifier.
And then my mom was talking to my grandma who just could not understand why I was not just nursing the girls. She could not understand why I was pumping and bottle feeding the girls. Which was sad to me too. I did not want to have to pump when I was at home with the ability to nurse. I knew I was going to have to go back to work, and the ability to be with my girls all day and all night would be gone forever. And I was stuck with a hunk of plastic.
Then about two weeks before I would have to go back to work, I came to the conclusion that I was not going to be able to keep my current night schedule. I was feeding the girls with my husband, and then pumping, so the actual feeding took almost 2 hours, and it happened 3 times a night. So I was getting about 3 hours of sleep at night in 45 minute intervals. I decided that I better figure out how to get the girls to actually breastfeed, and I was going to go against my doctors orders and nurse them at night. I figured that they were going to still be given fortifier during the day, so they still should be fine.
So I started to nurse one baby for a feeding while Ben was feeding the other one to get them used to nursing again since it has been probably 2 weeks since they had really nursed any. To my surprise one of the girls latched on perfectly and was a super nurser. The other one still had issues that I had to overcome, and I was so incredibly sore for so many days trying to get them to both figure it out. Then I figured I needed to figure out how to nurse them at the same time to save even more time at night. So I started practicing this. The first few times I did it it was a disaster. Then one night it worked! I had to get on facebook and let my twin mommy friends know that I had done it! So Ben and I continued to do this, and I continued to get more and more sore. I finally went and saw the lactation consultant again and asked her to help me figure out the football hold so that I could nurse without so much pain. She did, and now here I am with 13 week old twins who I nurse at the same time whenever I am home, and Ben feeds them the milk I pump during the time I am at work. The hardest part is finding the time to pump at work. It is so hard to take the time, and then just all the things that you have to haul to work and back every day. It is hard, but I am committed to giving my girls all the benefits of my breast milk that I can.
I still have tender feelings when it comes to this I guess, because I still worry that they may not grow as well because I have now stopped giving them any fortifier. They have been getting 100% pure no additives breast milk for two weeks now. I can’t wait until my next appointment where they will tell me if my girls have gained an appropriate amount of weight. I hope they have. I hope what I can provide for them this time will be enough.
Today as I was traveling and had to change the girls diapers in a Flying J truck stop, there was a woman in the bathroom waiting in line, and looked at Emily, my bigger twin and say oh she is cute, how old is she? I told her 13 weeks, and she said “oh she is really small.” I responded yes, she is. She was born very small. My feelings were hurt. Dang it. Why? I have done everything I know how to do to help my little girls thrive. Why do I still feel inadequate? I pump all day, I nurse all night. And dang it I am good enough.
Back to the twin mommies. There are so many of them that have chosen all different routes and have proven that no matter what, (and I believe this too) good mommies don’t worry about how they feed their babies. They worry that they are getting fed, and loved. Breast milk is best in my book, but if you love your babies love them, and if breastfeeding is not the way that you end up feeding your children they are still going to be fine!
So no matter how this ends up, I will try harder to be proud for all I have accomplished, and work towards my goal of getting my daughters breast milk one way or another for 9 months. If I can go a year I will, but 9 months is my ultimate goal. I have almost made it 3. And I am proud. Even if I still have tender feelings!

pics

Learned how to use a sleepy wrap at Mom and Dads. I even learned how to use it for both babies! I will have to post that pic when I can get it! It is on Bens phone. This was Ben soothing a baby! Looks to me like more than Ana got soothed!

Me, Emily, Grandma Dayley, Ana


Putting on Dads flower for the Open house while he held Ana.

Cousins Emily, Ana, Orin and Avery (Finally got a photo without the paci's!)

Orin wasnt sure about the twins :)

Picture with the Bride and Groom


Family Photo yes even with the paci's
4 generation photo. Viola Ricks, Mabel Dayley, Me, Emily, Ana