The Past is Past

Have you ever wanted to really understand something that is out of your control to fathom?
There are the usual things I suppose, God – is he really the creator of all?
Life in general – what is our purpose
But I have one that is a quandary for me. I recently went through a divorce, and where I will not go into specifics, there were things about my ex husband that I really wish I had closure with.
Let just say the reasons why I got divorced I thought were nonredeemable. Not unforgivable. I will forgive him eventually; I would not however be able to do that if I had stayed married to him.
What frustrates me is that he does not admit to any of it. So according to him, I left him for nothing. I ended our marriage because of rumors and lies.
Now mind you, I am not a person who does things with out being certain. This is actually why it took me so long to get a divorce. I was never sure. And marriage is very important to me. It meant a great deal to me that I had been married to the same man for over ten years. And I really wanted to make it 50. So mind you I had to be sure it was something I knew I absolutely could not get past before I filed for a divorce.

So my quandary in all this…Does it really matter that he confess to me? I believe that he did what I left him for. Do I need him to verify it with his words to make it more real? It was enough for me to leave him after 11 years of marriage shouldn’t that be enough.

It really makes me quite upset. Perhaps it is because I was always taught to own up to my mistakes, and I do. It is not always easy when you screw up to say hey I screwed up, and face the consequences. But I still do this.
I can say that I know I made the right choice. The stress, and doubt, and anger are gone. I have no regrets.
I do sometimes wonder why he felt he needed to do some of the things he did, but I would not ever even try to understand his reasons. I am sure I was not enough for him.

Don’t misunderstand by that statement that I do not believe I am enough. I am. Just not for him. He needed someone different than me. Not better or worse, just different.
Also just to clarify, I honestly believe that divorce is never caused all just by one person. I have my own faults. And I have made my own mistakes. I just have always owned up to them!

Perhaps the real reason for writing this post is to just get out there that it is enough for me to believe he did what he did. Even without him verifying. I have never been one who had absolute faith in anything. So perhaps I need to just let bygones be bygones and just stick with my belief, and wish him well in his life regardless of what he says he did or did not do.

So to end this post I will say. I loved him, I hated him. I hurt because of him, I was happy because of him. He once was my everything. He now will have to be ok with just being my friend and even that is not easy sometimes for either of us. But regardless of all of this. I could not get past what he finally did, and so it is over. But it wasn’t all bad. And it wasn’t all good.

I am looking forward to a new chapter in my life. This one is ended. However, it is in my book of life, so even though it is the past. It is my past. And I will not forget it. But… I am not one who just forgets about people either. So whoever stays part of my new chapters, will need to understand that I care what happens to him. He was my whole life for a long time, and I really truly do want him to be happy. I always wanted that.

I will not let myself flounder, and feel sorry for my situation. It is not my way. It is time for me to get on with the rest of my life. And hope that he does the same.

To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. ~Art Buchwald