So I was going through my computer and cleaning out files and such when I came across this letter. I think sometimes I forget how I used to feel. Now that my life is so much different, I thought I would post what I found:
I am going to get deep in this blog, on a very personal level, so if you are not a person that wants to know this side of me, please don’t read. J
Why is trust such a hard thing?
I remember being young, and trusting anyone. It was necessary, and a luxury that my childhood afforded me.
Now here I am working hard everyday to not let my distrust get the best of me.
I do have certain points in my life that I know affected me on a very deep level, and not in a good way, but how long should it take to get over those things? Yes, they were tragic and very hurtful, but they are in the past. What do I have to do to let them go?
I forget things all the time. Why is it the times I want to forget keep coming back, and making trust an issue over and over again?
I was always a young person that felt like I could talk to anyone, and be friends with anyone, and trust other people.
Now, I have to try so hard to not let my distrust ruin my relationships. My spouse, my co-workers, my family.
What is wrong with me.
Yes, I have had terrible things happen to me that I had no control over, and perhaps I needed to have some sort of therapy that I did not get, but I feel so normal most days.
Then something happens that triggers a bad memory, and BAM I am back where I started.
I get sick to my stomach and instantly in my mind pops the very worst scenario that could happen. Once that picture, or thought is in my head, it is almost impossible to get it out. Perhaps one major problem is that I cannot talk it out with anyone. If I told my husband half of the things that go through my mind, I would not still be married, because they are so accusatory, and harsh. And I know from experience that telling him about my concerns is not a good road to take. Especially if they are about him, when he has done nothing wrong to warrant such said thoughts.
Is it the fact that I am so worried that I will be that girl that believes what people tell her, when other people know the truth, and are secretly behind her back saying what a gullible stupid girl to believe all of those lies.
Is it pride that makes it impossible for me to take things at face value?
Why do I always need proof? Why is it important for me to know with 100% facts that what is being told to me is the truth. What is it that drives that need in me?
Especially when finding out that someone has lied to you is so hurtful. Why would I want to prove that someone is lying.
If they took the care to lie, it most likely means that what the truth is is not going to make me feel better.
So why do I need to know? Why do I distrust until I have facts, or evidence?
Or is it because I have been on the other side so often, that I have known the truth and seen people lie over and over again, and I felt so bad for the person being lied to, but knew it was absolutely not my place to bring out the truth. I hate that feeling,
Or is it that I am a terrible liar, and in being such, do not lie. I may try to lie but if it is important, it always comes out. I cant keep things like that inside me, because it causes me more grief to lie than it does to just deal with the consequences.
I wish I could bring back the trust. It is a hard life not trusting people, and I don’t know how to get past it.
Or perhaps I am completely normal, and everyone thinks that the people that care the most about them are a bunch of lying sacks.
I remember discussing this with you on the way to Boise last year. It seems there is sometimes a reason that we can't trust people. And as we get older, we realize all that could go wrong when as kids, we're naive and trusting. I'm so glad that you've found happiness in being with Ben.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness...sounds almost like a theory in some science class that deals w/ toxic chemicals. But if someone would just apologize once to acknowledge wrong doing, it seems like a real possibility. However, folks don't always want to take responsibility. The thing I'm still learning about forgiveness is that it is oftentimes more about the end results for me as a person & my peace of mind & joy in life. As long as I am unforgiving, it's like I am chained to that person & I can feel the shackles chafe & cut my emotions. I desire neither. I tend to roll in my unforgiveness & resentment like pigs wallow in the mud & wear it like a tattered dress. NOT pretty, but in some weird,satisfying(?) way, I seem to want this as a sort of badge that shows the world how I have been a victim of some thoughtless, selfish person. About all that accomplishes is to chew on my own emotions over & over until I'm nothing but bare bones & still I naw! When I look back & see how short life can be, I have to weigh things, like in hanging scales-is it worth it? Divorce can seem like a death that never ends & of all the bad choices you had to make at the time, it was the best of all the bad choices. Healing seems to take an eternity of baby steps or sometimes like crawling on our bloody hands & knees up a rocky, steep incline w/ sweat blinding our vision. We can all definitely feel your deep pain & grief, as well as, identify on some level. Many prayers come your way for healing, peace, joy & all the positive feelings we all want for you. May the love of family & friends surround you like a warm blanket of comfort & security-the kind we felt as children & may you find restoration. Ann
ReplyDelete