Have you ever wanted to really understand something that is out of your control to fathom?
There are the usual things I suppose, God – is he really the creator of all?
Life in general – what is our purpose
But I have one that is a quandary for me. I recently went through a divorce, and where I will not go into specifics, there were things about my ex husband that I really wish I had closure with.
Let just say the reasons why I got divorced I thought were nonredeemable. Not unforgivable. I will forgive him eventually; I would not however be able to do that if I had stayed married to him.
What frustrates me is that he does not admit to any of it. So according to him, I left him for nothing. I ended our marriage because of rumors and lies.
Now mind you, I am not a person who does things with out being certain. This is actually why it took me so long to get a divorce. I was never sure. And marriage is very important to me. It meant a great deal to me that I had been married to the same man for over ten years. And I really wanted to make it 50. So mind you I had to be sure it was something I knew I absolutely could not get past before I filed for a divorce.
So my quandary in all this…Does it really matter that he confess to me? I believe that he did what I left him for. Do I need him to verify it with his words to make it more real? It was enough for me to leave him after 11 years of marriage shouldn’t that be enough.
It really makes me quite upset. Perhaps it is because I was always taught to own up to my mistakes, and I do. It is not always easy when you screw up to say hey I screwed up, and face the consequences. But I still do this.
I can say that I know I made the right choice. The stress, and doubt, and anger are gone. I have no regrets.
I do sometimes wonder why he felt he needed to do some of the things he did, but I would not ever even try to understand his reasons. I am sure I was not enough for him.
Don’t misunderstand by that statement that I do not believe I am enough. I am. Just not for him. He needed someone different than me. Not better or worse, just different.
Also just to clarify, I honestly believe that divorce is never caused all just by one person. I have my own faults. And I have made my own mistakes. I just have always owned up to them!
Perhaps the real reason for writing this post is to just get out there that it is enough for me to believe he did what he did. Even without him verifying. I have never been one who had absolute faith in anything. So perhaps I need to just let bygones be bygones and just stick with my belief, and wish him well in his life regardless of what he says he did or did not do.
So to end this post I will say. I loved him, I hated him. I hurt because of him, I was happy because of him. He once was my everything. He now will have to be ok with just being my friend and even that is not easy sometimes for either of us. But regardless of all of this. I could not get past what he finally did, and so it is over. But it wasn’t all bad. And it wasn’t all good.
I am looking forward to a new chapter in my life. This one is ended. However, it is in my book of life, so even though it is the past. It is my past. And I will not forget it. But… I am not one who just forgets about people either. So whoever stays part of my new chapters, will need to understand that I care what happens to him. He was my whole life for a long time, and I really truly do want him to be happy. I always wanted that.
I will not let myself flounder, and feel sorry for my situation. It is not my way. It is time for me to get on with the rest of my life. And hope that he does the same.
To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. ~Art Buchwald
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Past
So I was going through my computer and cleaning out files and such when I came across this letter. I think sometimes I forget how I used to feel. Now that my life is so much different, I thought I would post what I found:
I am going to get deep in this blog, on a very personal level, so if you are not a person that wants to know this side of me, please don’t read. J
Why is trust such a hard thing?
I remember being young, and trusting anyone. It was necessary, and a luxury that my childhood afforded me.
Now here I am working hard everyday to not let my distrust get the best of me.
I do have certain points in my life that I know affected me on a very deep level, and not in a good way, but how long should it take to get over those things? Yes, they were tragic and very hurtful, but they are in the past. What do I have to do to let them go?
I forget things all the time. Why is it the times I want to forget keep coming back, and making trust an issue over and over again?
I was always a young person that felt like I could talk to anyone, and be friends with anyone, and trust other people.
Now, I have to try so hard to not let my distrust ruin my relationships. My spouse, my co-workers, my family.
What is wrong with me.
Yes, I have had terrible things happen to me that I had no control over, and perhaps I needed to have some sort of therapy that I did not get, but I feel so normal most days.
Then something happens that triggers a bad memory, and BAM I am back where I started.
I get sick to my stomach and instantly in my mind pops the very worst scenario that could happen. Once that picture, or thought is in my head, it is almost impossible to get it out. Perhaps one major problem is that I cannot talk it out with anyone. If I told my husband half of the things that go through my mind, I would not still be married, because they are so accusatory, and harsh. And I know from experience that telling him about my concerns is not a good road to take. Especially if they are about him, when he has done nothing wrong to warrant such said thoughts.
Is it the fact that I am so worried that I will be that girl that believes what people tell her, when other people know the truth, and are secretly behind her back saying what a gullible stupid girl to believe all of those lies.
Is it pride that makes it impossible for me to take things at face value?
Why do I always need proof? Why is it important for me to know with 100% facts that what is being told to me is the truth. What is it that drives that need in me?
Especially when finding out that someone has lied to you is so hurtful. Why would I want to prove that someone is lying.
If they took the care to lie, it most likely means that what the truth is is not going to make me feel better.
So why do I need to know? Why do I distrust until I have facts, or evidence?
Or is it because I have been on the other side so often, that I have known the truth and seen people lie over and over again, and I felt so bad for the person being lied to, but knew it was absolutely not my place to bring out the truth. I hate that feeling,
Or is it that I am a terrible liar, and in being such, do not lie. I may try to lie but if it is important, it always comes out. I cant keep things like that inside me, because it causes me more grief to lie than it does to just deal with the consequences.
I wish I could bring back the trust. It is a hard life not trusting people, and I don’t know how to get past it.
Or perhaps I am completely normal, and everyone thinks that the people that care the most about them are a bunch of lying sacks.
I am going to get deep in this blog, on a very personal level, so if you are not a person that wants to know this side of me, please don’t read. J
Why is trust such a hard thing?
I remember being young, and trusting anyone. It was necessary, and a luxury that my childhood afforded me.
Now here I am working hard everyday to not let my distrust get the best of me.
I do have certain points in my life that I know affected me on a very deep level, and not in a good way, but how long should it take to get over those things? Yes, they were tragic and very hurtful, but they are in the past. What do I have to do to let them go?
I forget things all the time. Why is it the times I want to forget keep coming back, and making trust an issue over and over again?
I was always a young person that felt like I could talk to anyone, and be friends with anyone, and trust other people.
Now, I have to try so hard to not let my distrust ruin my relationships. My spouse, my co-workers, my family.
What is wrong with me.
Yes, I have had terrible things happen to me that I had no control over, and perhaps I needed to have some sort of therapy that I did not get, but I feel so normal most days.
Then something happens that triggers a bad memory, and BAM I am back where I started.
I get sick to my stomach and instantly in my mind pops the very worst scenario that could happen. Once that picture, or thought is in my head, it is almost impossible to get it out. Perhaps one major problem is that I cannot talk it out with anyone. If I told my husband half of the things that go through my mind, I would not still be married, because they are so accusatory, and harsh. And I know from experience that telling him about my concerns is not a good road to take. Especially if they are about him, when he has done nothing wrong to warrant such said thoughts.
Is it the fact that I am so worried that I will be that girl that believes what people tell her, when other people know the truth, and are secretly behind her back saying what a gullible stupid girl to believe all of those lies.
Is it pride that makes it impossible for me to take things at face value?
Why do I always need proof? Why is it important for me to know with 100% facts that what is being told to me is the truth. What is it that drives that need in me?
Especially when finding out that someone has lied to you is so hurtful. Why would I want to prove that someone is lying.
If they took the care to lie, it most likely means that what the truth is is not going to make me feel better.
So why do I need to know? Why do I distrust until I have facts, or evidence?
Or is it because I have been on the other side so often, that I have known the truth and seen people lie over and over again, and I felt so bad for the person being lied to, but knew it was absolutely not my place to bring out the truth. I hate that feeling,
Or is it that I am a terrible liar, and in being such, do not lie. I may try to lie but if it is important, it always comes out. I cant keep things like that inside me, because it causes me more grief to lie than it does to just deal with the consequences.
I wish I could bring back the trust. It is a hard life not trusting people, and I don’t know how to get past it.
Or perhaps I am completely normal, and everyone thinks that the people that care the most about them are a bunch of lying sacks.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Quick Visit
My Mom and Dad come to visit this past weekend, and we had a good relaxing time.
They picked kind of a crummy time weather wise, but we did inside stuff.
Ben had to work on Friday, so he went to work, and the rest of us went to the Dallas Aquarium.
I was impressed with it when my sister and her husband came to visit and we went, so it is the only thing I planned to do while they were here.
That is pretty much the only thing we did on Friday other than just chat and catch up, and relax.
On Saturday Ben and Dad went to a Safari Hunting Expo, and mom and I stayed home and made some good Rye bread.
I cant say how the hunting Expo went, because neither on had too much to say when they got home (hmmm.)
But the bread turned out awesome, and we ate a whole loaf.
After we got done making Rye bread, I had some Mango's that I bought for their visit, and we had not had much chance to eat them. So we decided to make Mango bread.
It turned out awesome as well!!
Sunday was pretty much a relax all day day as well.
We put in a Pot roast and potatoes and carrots to cook, went to church, came home, ate and watched a movie. Then went to bed.
Monday it was pretty much get up take Mom and Dad to the airport, and go to work!
I am glad they were able to make it.
Unfortunatly, no pictures were taken.
They picked kind of a crummy time weather wise, but we did inside stuff.
Ben had to work on Friday, so he went to work, and the rest of us went to the Dallas Aquarium.
I was impressed with it when my sister and her husband came to visit and we went, so it is the only thing I planned to do while they were here.
That is pretty much the only thing we did on Friday other than just chat and catch up, and relax.
On Saturday Ben and Dad went to a Safari Hunting Expo, and mom and I stayed home and made some good Rye bread.
I cant say how the hunting Expo went, because neither on had too much to say when they got home (hmmm.)
But the bread turned out awesome, and we ate a whole loaf.
After we got done making Rye bread, I had some Mango's that I bought for their visit, and we had not had much chance to eat them. So we decided to make Mango bread.
It turned out awesome as well!!
Sunday was pretty much a relax all day day as well.
We put in a Pot roast and potatoes and carrots to cook, went to church, came home, ate and watched a movie. Then went to bed.
Monday it was pretty much get up take Mom and Dad to the airport, and go to work!
I am glad they were able to make it.
Unfortunatly, no pictures were taken.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Cold Icy Windy!
So…woke up this morning, at 5ish to let Butch out, and opened the door to ice, and howling winds that were freeeezing!!
This weather in the south is crazy!
But, I made it to work with the help of Ben and his truck, and he is picking me up too!
Then we are going back home to pick up Butch, and go get my parents.
Then a short stop at Rudy’s BBQ for dinner!
I hope that Mom and Dad don’t get too cold! It is a bit of a miserable time to be visiting! We will pretty much have to be indoors the whole time!
But, I am sure we can find plenty to do for 3 days!
This weather in the south is crazy!
But, I made it to work with the help of Ben and his truck, and he is picking me up too!
Then we are going back home to pick up Butch, and go get my parents.
Then a short stop at Rudy’s BBQ for dinner!
I hope that Mom and Dad don’t get too cold! It is a bit of a miserable time to be visiting! We will pretty much have to be indoors the whole time!
But, I am sure we can find plenty to do for 3 days!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
New Year New issues!
Well, back to the daily grind! Back to traffic in the mornings, and back to having no more time at work to get caught up, the work is starting to pile up again, my house needs to be cleaned desperately, and I can’t seem to find the time! It is a new year, and I am already behind in almost every facet of my life!!
It seems that at work, I keep getting things that come up, and my schedule is over full as it is! Ever get that sinking feeling that there is really not enough hours in the day to get everything you need to done?
I have that almost everyday! I am sure that most people do! At least I know I am not alone.
Also, where it is a new year, my new insurance kicked in. (well same as last year, they just changed some of their coverage options and what not).
So I go to Walgreen’s to pick up my monthly prescription, and instead of $20, it is $50. So yesterday I got online to look up what had changed, and yup. They now have a co-pay of $50. What a crock!
So now I will need to go back to my doctor (who gets paid by my insurance which does not cover hardly anything anymore) and see if we can find a new prescription that is not so expensive, and get past all the new drug side effects, ect ect, or I could just stick with my current one which took me 5 years to finally find a drug that did not make me crazy…Grrr.
Stupid pharmaceutical companies.
Anyway, that is my rant for the new year!!
It seems that at work, I keep getting things that come up, and my schedule is over full as it is! Ever get that sinking feeling that there is really not enough hours in the day to get everything you need to done?
I have that almost everyday! I am sure that most people do! At least I know I am not alone.
Also, where it is a new year, my new insurance kicked in. (well same as last year, they just changed some of their coverage options and what not).
So I go to Walgreen’s to pick up my monthly prescription, and instead of $20, it is $50. So yesterday I got online to look up what had changed, and yup. They now have a co-pay of $50. What a crock!
So now I will need to go back to my doctor (who gets paid by my insurance which does not cover hardly anything anymore) and see if we can find a new prescription that is not so expensive, and get past all the new drug side effects, ect ect, or I could just stick with my current one which took me 5 years to finally find a drug that did not make me crazy…Grrr.
Stupid pharmaceutical companies.
Anyway, that is my rant for the new year!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Homecoming Surprise
When we drove into North Dallas, we were greeted with a bit of the remnants of a white Christmas.
From hearing the locals talk, it had been many years since there had been a white Christmas.
And we missed it! :)
Oh well. Here are some pics we took on Sunday after we got back before it all melted.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Odds and Ends
Just a few more pics from the week.
Poor Ben...He got so much babysitting time!
Making Jewelry. Rozy did a really good job of making earrings, bracelets, and necklaces. And she even gave some to me! We watched her make quite a few. She kept asking if we wanted to make some, and we were pretty content with watching!
Jarem came out with this huge can of Pretzels, and asked Rozanne if he could have some. She said sure, and the next thing we know is that he has it on his chair, and is sitting on it so he can see the game Alex is playing!
Just chillin. It was nice to just be able to relax.
James got the task of helping the computer.
Poor Ben...He got so much babysitting time!
Making Jewelry. Rozy did a really good job of making earrings, bracelets, and necklaces. And she even gave some to me! We watched her make quite a few. She kept asking if we wanted to make some, and we were pretty content with watching!
Jarem came out with this huge can of Pretzels, and asked Rozanne if he could have some. She said sure, and the next thing we know is that he has it on his chair, and is sitting on it so he can see the game Alex is playing!
Just chillin. It was nice to just be able to relax.
James got the task of helping the computer.
Christmas
Christmas Morning. It sure is more fun when you are watching kids get so excited about Christmas!
Cutco for James from Mom and Dad
Loot
Thanks Mom!!! WooHoo just what I asked for...actually more than I asked for. Thank you
So excited
Chillin waiting on his turn
What is that big thing?
Cant reach my shark
Woo. Mom. another One!! Someone else was excited too!
Lots of good stuff!
Waiting to go see what Santa brought
What a handsome boy in Cowboy colors. Someones who knows his aunt must like the Cowboys!
James...What are you telling that boy?
Cutco for James from Mom and Dad
Loot
Thanks Mom!!! WooHoo just what I asked for...actually more than I asked for. Thank you
So excited
Chillin waiting on his turn
What is that big thing?
Cant reach my shark
Woo. Mom. another One!! Someone else was excited too!
Lots of good stuff!
Waiting to go see what Santa brought
What a handsome boy in Cowboy colors. Someones who knows his aunt must like the Cowboys!
James...What are you telling that boy?
Christmas Eve
It is a tradition on Christmas Eve to act out the story of Jesus's Birth. Here are a few pics of that act!
This is the sheep who accidentally fell into a pond of green, and got dyed on accident. It is really a sheep!
Here is the sheep herder...He was a bit mean to his poor green sheep. Along side is Mary, and the angel.
And lo there was an angel
After Credits.
A bit of what I was talking about earlier
The program where we sang Christmas songs
This is the sheep who accidentally fell into a pond of green, and got dyed on accident. It is really a sheep!
Here is the sheep herder...He was a bit mean to his poor green sheep. Along side is Mary, and the angel.
And lo there was an angel
After Credits.
A bit of what I was talking about earlier
The program where we sang Christmas songs
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